Dreaming Addiction
by Loise
Summary: A request fic. 1x2x1. Duo and his addiction.


Title: Dreaming Addiction

Request: reginasama

Pairing: 1x2x1

Warnings: antsy Duo POV, serious alcohol misuse, suicide attempt

_Sick and tired of this world  
There's no more air  
Trippin' over myself  
Goin' nowhere  
Waiting  
Suffocating  
No direction  
And I took a dive  
_

I never mean to get drunk. I never plan to. It just happens. I get the uncontrollable desire to drink. So I buy a case of Victoria Bitter and sit in quiet place just drinking. Drinking away.

I wish it stopped at that. I truly do.

Never ever do I want to do this. I can't stop myself. It takes a hold of me and I am a prisoner. It makes me do things that I regret and shame. Like kissing a whore.

You never get angry. Never. You just pick me and gently kiss me on the forehead and take me home. Where you bathe and then when I can't puke anything more, wrap me up and hug me for what the rest of the night that holds for us. But I know you never fall asleep, watching over me.

I love you more for it. And the guilt is always tripping me up. When I catch a glimpse of my old eyes… and I know I'm causing you pain. That you feel agony every single time. I'm doing this to you. Sometimes I can't bear to stare into mirrors.

I smashed them once. When I was drunk. My hands were bleeding, covered and embedded in fine shards.

_  
And on the way down  
I saw you  
And you saved me  
From myself  
And I won't forget  
The way you loved me  
On the way down  
I almost fell right through  
But I held onto you_

You nursed me. Taking fine care of me, picking every strand of glass from my hands. Patiently and carefully you picked out every single one with tweezers. You never complained just did it with compassion and love. You were there for me and I knew that I never was. It killed me inside.

I know you still love me. How could I not? I see it in your eyes as you take care of me. When I wake up and you are tenderly holding me, not resting for my sake.

Yet I cause destruction to our life together.

It hurts you to see me fondling some cheap floozy. Feeling my way up some curves that you'll never have. Grasping hips and grinding myself into her.

You try to pull me away but I snap and punch you in the face, screaming wildly. You back away. Letting me go past you, a hand around the girl's waist, her eyes afraid but needing, going to a one hour motel.

I don't remember what happened afterwards.

I do remember your eyes though. Heero, you could have stopped me. I know that in that matters of strength you are stronger than me. Your eyes desperately wanted to stop me, to take me home.

You didn't through. Because you love me too much to hurt me.

It's a pity I don't feel the same when I'm like this.

_I've been wondering why  
It's only me  
Have you always been inside  
Waiting to breathe  
It's alright  
Sunlight  
On my face  
I wake up and yeah, I'm alive_

I dream sometimes, when we have a relatively normal life.

Dreams don't often escape to reality. And when they do, they don't stay long.

Our moments when I'm not wrecking our life, seem almost tranquil. We work, we laugh, we _play_…

Then I get the need to drink myself to oblivion. To lose myself to something else, and forget the faces. The explosion that followed and death... Yells and tears lost in the narrow points of time.

As soon as I regain consciousness, Heero knows, and pulls me closer. It makes me feel secure and safe. He only does. He cares for me and knows that I love being close to him in the morning, when I'm half awake and in need of a hug. He _knows_.

Only later do I realize the mistakes after last night's binge.

Heero makes me see that I am living, when all I want is to be dead in a gutter. I deserve it anyhow.

But I don't kill myself; I did try once…

I can't ever forget your face.

You were so afraid…

_  
'Cause on the way down  
I saw you  
And you saved me  
From myself  
And I won't forget  
The way you loved me  
On the way down  
I almost fell right through  
But I held onto you  
_

You made me promise never to try to commit suicide again. Your face was afraid and premature lines marred it, I still thought you beautiful, your voice strained and wretched.

You bandaged my arms, the white fabric soaking up the crimson blood.

I couldn't refuse.

Holding your head in my shaky fingers, I gazed into your eyes and solemnly vowed to never do this to myself again. You breathed a sigh of relief and fell into my embrace sobbing and clutching at me with desperation. My shirt already splattered with my blood was soaked with your tears.

Inside I vowed to never ever to this to Heero.

I wondered sometimes if I would break this promise. Knowing if I did, I wouldn't make any mistakes this time.

_  
I was so afraid  
Of going under  
But now  
The weight of the world  
Feels like nothing, no, nothing  
_

Lately however, I'm feeling free of my obsession. My dangerous death hold is breaking.

Heero certainly is a wonder boy.

I know that when I wake up, he will always be there. Reassuring me and making sure that there aren't any monsters under the bed. That he will always be there.

He will always be with me, wrapping his body around mine, so we are curled closer into each other. Sharing body warmth and love.

Sometimes I wake up and find him just staring at me. I don't think he knows much about humans and stuff, you know what I mean, relationships. J really screwed him on that. But he knows me and wants to take care of me. I find this _very_ endearing.

He tries so hard to be perfect not the Perfect Soldier or anything. But perfect for me.

I know this as he kisses me, pressing firmly on my lips. I surge against him, feeling the want, the need.

_  
Down, down, down  
You're all I wanted  
Down, down, down  
You're all I needed  
Down, down, down  
You're all I wanted  
You're all I needed_

Heero loves me!

He is always there for me. Through the years of my depression and alcohol addiction, he has managed to stay by my side.

I finally trust this fact. Cherishing it. Holding it close.

_I won't forget the way you loved me  
_

When he says, "I love you." I know _he_ really means it.

He is not here for just sex. He loves me for who I am. The person I am without the dangerous urge to drink.

He smiles. Eyes lighting up as they look upon me.

My hair is in a messy braid, sweaty bangs sticking to my head. I'm breathing heavily.

I grin, slightly uneasily, back at him. His skin glows with sheen of sweat.

He isn't perfect for all he wants to be, for me. But I love him all the same.

I know that booze isn't what I was craving all these years. I wanted him. I needed Heero. He feeds my addiction, making me stronger not weaker.

_  
All that I wanted  
All that I needed  
_

I only see you. Your eyes crinkling, smile welcoming. Eyes delving deep into my eyes. Body… I grip your shoulders, craving the touch of your skin against mine. I bring one leg and slide it between yours. I feel you shiver around me.

I relish it your embrace. Desiring more of you. I kiss your arm and snuggle closer.

You hold me tight, just how I like it. Just how I want, just how I need.

_On the way down  
I saw you  
And you saved me  
From myself  
And I won't forget  
The way you loved me  
On the way down  
I almost fell right through  
But I held onto you  
_

I won't let go of you now Heero. I was foolish in the past. And now, you have shown me something those makes me realize that you are everything I need and want.

I am no longer wishing for a dream world without an addiction.

But living with you.

I may spiral downwards, who knows. But I'll never let go of you.

You'll only hold me tighter.

_Down, down, down  
But I held onto you  
Down, down, down  
But I held onto you_


End file.
